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顾客：小心，你的大拇指在我汤里了
服务员：别担心，先e79fa5e98193e4b893e5b19e334生，不是很烫！
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry Sir it's not that hot!
服务员给顾客拿来了牛排，大拇指在牛肉上。“你疯了吗？”顾客喊到，“你的手在我的牛排上！”“什么？”服务员说，“你想让它再掉地上？”
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.Are you crazy? yelled the customer with your hand on my steak?What answers the waiter You want it to fall on the floor again?
服务员：茶或咖啡？先生。
第一个顾客：我要茶
第二个顾客：我也是茶——杯子要干净的！
服务员：两杯茶，哪个要干净的杯子？
Waiter: Tea or coffee gentlemen?
I'll have tea.
2nd customer: Me too - and be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits returns)Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?
顾客：服务员，这只苍蝇在我汤里干什么？看起来象是在仰泳，
Waiter what's this fly doing in my soup?Um looks to me to be backstroke sir...
顾客：汤里有只苍蝇！
服务员：别担心，先生，面包里的蜘蛛会干掉它。
Waiter there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
服务员，我汤里有只苍蝇！不是，先生，那是蟑螂，苍蝇在你牛排里。
Waiter there's a fly in my soup!No sir that's a cockroach the fly is on your steak.
服务员，汤里有只苍蝇！别让别人看见，先生，要不别人都要。
Waiter there's a fly in my soup!Keep it down sir or they'll all be wanting one.
服务员，汤里有只苍蝇！我知道，先生，我们没有另收钱。
Waiter there's a fly in my soup!Its OK Sir there's no extra charge!
服务员，汤里有只苍蝇！对不起，先生，我弄走那三个时忘了这个。
Waiter there is a fly in my soup!Sorry sir maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
服务员，汤里有只死苍蝇！
是的，先生，是开水杀死了它们。
Waiter there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir it's the hot water that kills them.
Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
Once upon a time there was a clever, wily peasant, whose tricks could be much talked about. The best story, however, is how he once got the best of the devil and made a fool of him. One day the peasant had been working in his field, and just as it was getting dark he was getting ready to go home when in the middle of his field he saw a pile of burning coals. Filled with amazement he walked toward it, and sitting on the top of the glowing coals there was a little black devil.
"You must be sitting on a treasure," said the peasant.
"Yes indeed," replied the devil, "on a treasure that contains more gold and silver than you have ever seen in your life."
"The treasure is in my field and belongs to me," said the peasant.
"It is yours," answered the devil, "if for two years you will give me one half of everything your field produces. I have enough money, but I have a desire for the fruits of the earth."
The peasant entered into the bargain, saying, "To prevent any dispute from arising about the division, everything above the ground shall belong to you, and everything beneath the ground to me."
The devil was quite satisfied with that, but the cunning peasant had planted turnips.
Now when harvest time came the devil appeared and wanted to take away his crop, but he found nothing except the yellow withered leaves, and the happy peasant dug up his turnips.
"You got the best of me this time," said the devil, "but it won't happen again. Next time what grows above ground shall be yours, and what is under it shall be mine."
"That is all right with me," answered the peasant. When planting time came the peasant did not plant turnips again, but wheat. The crop ripened, and the peasant went into the field and cut the full stalks off at ground level. When the devil came he found nothing but the stubble, and he angrily disappeared into a chasm in a cliff.
"That's the way one has to deal with foxes," said the peasant, then carried away the treasure.
从前有位远见卓识、机智聪明的农夫，有关他足智多谋的故事至今人们仍广为传颂。其中最精彩的要首推他曾经怎样捉弄魔鬼的故事。
一天，农夫在田间劳动了一整天，天黑时正准备回家，忽然发现自己的田里有堆煤在燃烧，他惊讶万分，於是便走上前去看，发现竟有一个黑色的小魔鬼走在燃烧的煤堆上。"你是坐在财宝上吗？"农夫问。"正是财宝。"魔鬼答道，"而且比你一生见到的都要多呢！""财宝在我田里就得归我。"农夫说道。"就归你吧！"魔鬼说e799bee5baa6e997aee7ad94e59b9ee7ad94333，"只要你肯将两年内一半的收成给我就行了。钱，我有的是，但我更喜欢地上的果实。"农夫答应了这桩交易，并说："为了避免在我们分配时出现纠纷，凡泥土上的东西归你，泥土下的归我。"魔鬼感到心满意足，但这位聪明的农夫却种上了萝卜.
现在收获的季节到了，魔鬼又来了，要求收回属於他的收成。但除了那些枯黄的败叶外，他一无所获；而农夫却在兴高采烈地挖着他的萝卜."这次让你占了便宜，"魔鬼说，"下次可不能这样。地上的归你，地下的归我。""悉听尊便。"农夫答道。播种的季节又到了，这次他可不播萝卜，而是种上了小麦。麦子熟了，他来到田间，把麦秆齐根割倒在地。魔鬼又来了，见到除了残茬外，他又一无所获，气得转身就走，顺着石缝钻了进去。"我就是这样骗倒魔鬼的。"农夫说完，赶紧拾起财宝回家去了。
It was Sunday. I never get up early on Sundays. I sometimes stay in bed until lunchtime. Last Sunday I got up very late. I looked out of the window. It was dark outside. 'What a day!' I thought. 'It's raining again.' Just then, the telephone rang. It was my aunt Lucy. 'I've just arrived by train,' she said. 'I'm coming to see you.'
'But I'm still having breakfast,' I said.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm having breakfast,' I repeated.
'Dear me,' she said. 'Do you always get up so late? It's one o'clock!'
那是个星期天，而在星期天我是从来不早起的，有时我要一直躺到吃午饭的时候。上个e799bee5baa6e78988e69d83338星期天，我起得很晚。我望望窗外，外面一片昏暗。“糟糕天气！”我想，“又下雨了。”正在这时，电话铃响了。是我姑母露西打来的。“我刚下火车，”她说，“我这就来看你。”
“但我还在吃早饭，”我说。
“你在干什么？”她问道。
“我正在吃早饭，”我又说了一遍。
“天啊，”她说，“你总是起得这么晚吗？现在已经1点钟了！”
A Soldier's Brilliant Idea
Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.
When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.
Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip.
英语幽默：士兵坐飞机有美女陪伴的高招
由于生意方面的事，罗宾逊先生得出趟门。因为有点紧急，他决定坐飞机。乘机旅行时，他喜欢靠窗坐，故而一登机，他就寻找一个靠窗的座位。他发现只有一个靠窗的座位还空着。在那空座位边坐着一名士兵。令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是，这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位置。罗宾逊先生不e79fa5e98193e59b9ee7ad94361管那些，他马上径直朝那个空座位走去。
然而，等到了那儿，他看见座位上有则启事，是用钢笔写的：“为保持装载平衡，特预设该位置，谢谢合作。”罗宾逊先生还从来没有在飞机上见过如此不同寻常的启事。不过，他想飞机上一定装了什么特别重的物品，于是他找了个不靠窗的位置。
又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他们看到那则启事就走开了。当快满座时，一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱。一直在注意进舱旅客的那个士兵赶紧拿掉他旁边空座位上的启事。士兵用这种办法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。